(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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Morningbreath
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.