Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Lmao 🤣
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”