[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language