Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Guy who likes music
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them