[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“you recording!?”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you