Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I gave up going to work for lent.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
haha same
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left