LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.