Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
In case you needed to hear it:
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
crochet youtube is brutal
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.