I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
ouch
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.