Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Last-minute gift idea!