The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]