I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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classic mixup
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed