The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
at ease…shoulder.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal