Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
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We’ve all been there
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
it must be school picture day
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
what’s the point then??
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤