[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*limbos away from your hug*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.