My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Who chose this font
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
spicy snake
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?