*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Shoo shoo! 😂
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying