When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
socratic questions
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.