Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…