YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
You Might Also Like
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
So we got a goldfish…
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Jesus Christ lmao
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.