Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
You Might Also Like
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.