One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
this is funnier than any friends episode
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.