I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*