Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.