If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Candles never taste the way they smell
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.