i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed