A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
you stereotypes are all alike
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!