if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
It’s a gift
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”