me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
a lot to unpack here
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.