Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Your honor these allegations are
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Lmao
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.