[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.