Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You Might Also Like
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.