I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever