*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Best mom ever 😂
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…