I love the honesty
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.