you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.