Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Skills
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.