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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The asteroid..
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies