Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
You Might Also Like
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
happy mother’s day❤️
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂