My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?