I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
And now we wait
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.