Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.