Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You Might Also Like
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go