JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
saving face 👀
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
getting old is fun
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color