Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2