Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons