When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Finally!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?