you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
sir, my pâté if you please
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The asteroid..
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me buying fruit and veg
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.