netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.