Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.